During this period of my life, I had continued my conversations with God to no avail. I wasn’t getting any answers and I was still as confused as ever. I often thought, “If only I hadn’t gone to all of these different churches, I would have been fine. They’re the ones that got me all confused about things.”

I began to wonder if God really did exist. If He did, He sure wasn’t letting me know. All of my prayers … my nightly conversations with Him had gotten me nowhere. I was really getting frustrated and angry. All I wanted was to know the truth and which church was really His. I read that if we would seek Him we would find Him; if we would knock, He would open the door, and if we would ask, He would answer. Well, He wasn’t doing any of those things and I may as well have not even bothered at all. What good did it do?

Since I was unable to find God, I concluded that He must not even exist at all, but somehow, deep down in my heart something told me that wasn’t true. Even so, I had had enough of these Christian churches where people preached one thing and then turned around and did another. “They’re all just a bunch of hypocrites and have the gall to call themselves Christians when they aren’t even trying to live like Jesus said to!” I was angry … angry at people, angry at the world, angry at life, and angry with God! I was tired of being told I couldn’t do things, and tired of people judging me and telling me what I should do with my life!

I had nothing to live for. Why was I even born if I had no purpose? I had already begun exploring other non-Christian religions as well … New Age, Hare Krishna, Buddism, Wicca and the occults, and so forth. By the time my friends and I had started to go out dancing, I had been fascinated with Wicca and witchcraft. I didn’t really believe in anything because let’s face it, if you can’t trust God then who can you trust? I had given it my all to find Him and He had let me down so now my mind was open to anything.

This isn’t a topic that I want to dwell on for long because of the very nature of it. However, I must mention some things because of the profound effect that it had on me, and what I had learned from it in the end.

I do want to caution young people though, that these things may seem harmless to begin with, but the adversary has a way of making things LOOK good or enticing, and then slowly luring you in deeper without you even knowing what you’re getting yourself into. These are things that shouldn’t even be tampered with at all. If everything was black and white it would be easier perhaps, but it’s the gray areas where you really need to be careful because it’s so easy to cross from the gray and into the black without even realizing it.

I began buying books on witchcraft and soon, started receiving catalogues in the mail for things related to the occult … not just Wicca and witchcraft, but Satanism as well, and spells and curses, amulets, herbs, books, and other symbolic items and so forth. I thought about the fairytales I had read as a child and thought it would be fun to be a real witch. I remembered playing with a Ouija Board that one of my friends had when I was younger, and how we used to all sit in the closet in the dark and tell scary stories and try to do seances. It was all just fun and games to us back then, and now, it was more of an outlet for me than anything, just something to take my mind off of my troubles. I had ordered several items over the months, one of which was a box that held cards with various spells and curses and how to conjure them up with the help and aid of spirits. I would play around with them in my room, thinking nothing of it. Little did I know how wrong I was!

One day, something happened that woke me up to reality. I had been going out with this one guy for a couple of months, and one night after walking along the beach, we were sitting in my car talking, which later led to kissing. Of course, it was bound to happen sooner or later, and without any warning he suddenly tried to take advantage of me. I told him to stop, that it wasn’t right, and I wasn’t going there. He started begging and tried to talk me into it, and wouldn’t stop.

“I could make you do it,” he said. I was furious! “If you do it’ll be the last thing you’ll ever do!” I replied. I struggled free and got out of the car. He got mad and got out and went “for a walk to calm down,” he said. I don’t think I had ever been so mad in my entire life up until that point. I wasn’t going to wait around for him. I got in the car, peeled out to let him know I was leaving and took off for home, leaving him stranded there. I was fuming! When I finally got home, as I was getting out of the car I noticed that he had left his hairbrush behind. I grabbed it and went storming into my bedroom!

I was so mad that for a while I just paced back and forth, muttering every obscenity you could imagine. Hanging around with these guys, I had begun to talk like a sailor and I’m ashamed to say, that I had at this point in my life, a pretty foul mouth, and I wasn’t shy in using it to tell people what I thought.

Anyway, after pacing, swearing, and thinking … I knew what I was going to do. I was going to get him back real good! I was worn out so I went to bed and tried to go to sleep. As usual, I cried myself to sleep that night, cursing life and just wishing I could get out of San Diego, and wishing I could just be happy for once.

Early the next morning I grabbed my box of spells and curses and pulled out a voodoo curse. I made the doll and attached some of the hairs from the hairbrush. I then recited the chant to call for the aid of the spirit associated with the curse, and then I performed the ritual.

Now as I said before, this wasn’t serious stuff for me. It was all like a game, an outlet to release my frustrations with life. However, this time was different. This time I really wanted to hurt someone, and I guess the combination of anger and the desire to really want to hurt this guy were the necessary ingredients or what have you, to turn make-believe into reality.

After performing the ritual, nothing happened on my end. I just felt some satisfaction in jabbing that makeshift doll that represented him. I was able to vent my anger on it and while it provided some relief, I was still angry at the way my life was turning out. I just wanted to get out of San Diego and get away from people all togther!

I hadn’t heard from Steve since that incident, but after a week or so he finally called. He apologized for that evening and said he wouldn’t do anything like that again. You can bet he wouldn’t because I let him know that I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore! He then told me something that scared me to death after I heard it.

He had gotten a ride back to the base that night. The next morning, he was standing with his squad or unit (I don’t remember what he called it) for inspection when all of a sudden he got this sharp pain right in his gut. He said he had never felt such pain before … it was like someone was jabbing him with a knife! “Really?” I asked, my interest peaking. He went on to say that it was so bad that he fell to knees, not even able to stand. He was sweating, the pain was so bad. They rushed him to the hospital but by the time he got there the pain had stopped and the doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with him. “It was really weird,” he said. “Nothing like that has ever happened to me before!”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “What time was it when you started getting those pains?” I asked. I don’t recall the time he gave me (after all these years), but I do remember that it was early in the morning (about 5 or 6 am I would guess) and that it was the exact time that I was performing my ritual!

“Oh my gosh!” I remember thinking to myself. “This stuff is REAL! It really works!” I don’t remember anything else he said, but that was the last time I talked with him. After hanging up the phone I went back to my room and reflected back on what I had done. I couldn’t believe it!

There really were such things as spirits and I had just experienced what I could do by calling on them! I thought of the power that could give me to pay back those who had ever hurt me … or what I could do to those who bullied others. It was all very tempting and my mind went over all the possibilities I could do with such a power on my side.

But then I thought, “If there really are spirits, then there must be both evil and good spirits.” I thought about what I had just done and how it had resulted from my anger. This had to be evil, and the spirit I had called on for aid must have been an evil spirit. I knew then that Satan was real … the occult was real, and the thought of that scared me to death! I had to stop, NOW!